There are some things that I have had a hard time admitting to myself even to this day, but I think I'm at that point in my life where I have to be frank about my body, and want to do better for myself. So, maybe I should just start from the beginning....
Ever since elementary school, I've been called the fat kid. Honestly, I don't think I was ever overly fat until I started believing what the other kids were saying to me, and started binge eating. I was active, I was part of a mountain biking club, the outdoors club, and I was feeling good! I know that I wasn't skinny, but I was fit in some form or another - that was the difference. I couldn't run a mile without stopping halfway - but I still finished... and I couldn't even think about joining a sports team, but when I did play, I put my heart into it. I remember going on a three day bike trip along the kettle valley railway, and I was the only girl who finished all three days. Hell, I've even hiked up mountains, no matter how exhausted, out of breath, pain in chest I may have felt - the point was that I wanted to, and could do it. I can admit that I was no athlete, but I was young, and felt good about myself for the most part.
After a few years of more and more emotional abuse from my peers, I started to take what they were saying seriously. I was fat, I'm not good at sports, why bother. I eventually stopped mountain biking, I dropped out of the outdoors club, and going to gym class all together. (Frick, kids are mean!) I would go out of my way to avoid doing strenuous activities, and that's a major thing that I regret about my past. I feel like I gave up such a large piece of my life and even a general interest that I still have not regained. I lost all motivation.
I don't think it was just school kids teasing me that had such an impact on my weight, but I think also my lifestyle growing up had huge factors that still roll over into my life today. I was raised by my mother, who was single, unemployed, and a drug addict. We lived off of welfare and child support, so food was available, but still sparse while money went to other nonessentials. I remember going to friends houses for dinner, and eating so much that I could barely walk because I knew when I went home, I probably wouldn't have anything to eat. So now I have that mentality that if I don't eat this all now, I will starve later.... I'm trying to correct that.
The biggest change in my body at that point was actually after I was out of high school, and I was working full time at Wendy's. I had a manager that would always say "Leane, why are you getting so fat? When you first started here you were so skinny, now you are so round" while waving her hands up and down like she was outlining J-lo's ass. What am I supposed to say to that? Sometimes, I don't think that people really have any idea that the things they say to someone can hurt so deep, weather we even realize it or not.
Looking back at it now, I can see how my esteem dropped, how I felt people looked at me changed, including with boyfriends, sex, what I wore, who I hung out with, All of these things were affected because of how I consciously and subconsciously felt about myself - still does actually. I found it really hard to believe it when a guy showed interest in me, because I viewed myself as so undesirable.... Looking at some of my past relationships, I can now notice how I have lowered my standards to be with guys that I thought would be in my league ... if that makes any sense.
During my early twenties, I don't think I ever really wanted to care about my weight, or how my body looked. I didn't want it to get the best of me. I put those issues on the back burner, and really focused on enjoying life. But we all find a time when the loneliness of being single gets to us, and we start to look for something to fill that void. I met an older man in 2006, and perhaps got "comfortable" or "let myself go". I started flaking with plans to hang out with friends, and started to not leave the house very often... We ate pizza a lot, and didn't get very much exercise. Not only was this an unhealthy lifestyle, but it was also affecting our relationship. Eventually I found myself in verbally abusive situations, that sometimes turned physical.
This was my biggest downfall, and my biggest weight gain. Only a year before, I weighed about 160lbs (which is still considered overweight for my body size by doctors) and shot up to the 200's - 240lbs would have been my highest at one point. I just finished college, and was working at a horrible job, I had so much debt, I was living with this abusive man, I wasn't making enough money to move out, and I was really fat. I avoided going out as much as I could, because I couldn't bear to think what my friends would say if they saw what I had done to myself. But I know now, that I needed those friends to help me through one of the toughest times I've had since that whole fiasco started.
When my weight started going up into the 200's, I think I was in denial, and blamed it on the pizza, or whatever. I actually got a gym membership, and lost 12 pounds in the first week. But then my efforts started to get lazy, and I stopped going. My body was different. I didn't feel like myself, I didn't see me in the mirror anymore, and I didn't know what else to do. I think thats when I started getting depressed. Again, the weight gain continued. I just ate, and ate and ate... eating made me feel better, like a comfort. I can still remember this one day when I was in the shower, and I was leaning back to rinse my hair, and I could feel my back rolls touching each other... I had never felt anything like it before. My skin was so big that it could roll over and touch another part of my back!
My lower back started hurting quite a bit in 2007, so much that I couldn't sleep or lay on my back without going into paralyzing pain. But that wasn't all of it. My face had extremely bad acne, and hair started growing in places I couldn't dream about getting hair. But the worst thing was that my period had stopped. I ended up going to the doctors to find out what I could do about my period. I mentioned all of the other symptoms I had been having - bad acne, weird hair growth, and my recent weight gain. The doctor told me about PCOS - Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, but that she would do some other tests to make sure there are no other issues.
So, I had blood tests, pee tests, an ultrasound, even in internal ultrasound (yuck). The results all came back normal. My hormones were normal, I didn't have diabetes, I wasn't pregnant, and there were no signs of PCOS in or around my ovaries... so, it was all just a result of my weight gain. The doctor suggested that I try a pill called Metformin. He said that it was used for patients with diabetes, but it would help with my weight, my period, and the other issues I was experiencing. Well... I was not ready for what this was about to do to my body...
When I first started taking Metformin, It was almost a whole year since I had my period... and when I defiantly got it, it came with a vengeance! I had never felt so sick before in my life. Not only did I get my period with cramps that could choke a duck, I had the worst diarrhea EVER! There is no fucking around if you got the urge to go - I had to RUN to the bathroom to make sure I didn't shit my pants. By the end of the month, I noticed that there was blood in my diarrhea, and so I went back to the hospital. I told the nurse about the Metformin, and how I got my period, but that I was also having the worst diarrhea in my life, and that the blood was definitely not from my period. I learnt quickly that diarrhea was a side effect of the pill (thanks for telling me doc) and that the blood is from a small hemorrhoid formed from the constant blood pressure from the diarrhea. GROSS!
Needless to say, those pills went into the garbage that night. (Whew, this blog is getting a bit long winded, sorry everyone!) Some other body changes i noticed was that I started getting body aches, my ankles always were stiff, and hurt when I walked. Obviously with weight gain, your clothes don't fit, and slowly buying bigger and bigger clothing is no walk in the park - it hurts. My fingers got really fat, my feet got wider, my boobs are bigger (not such a bad thing) and my face is super big. because my face is bigger, I think it makes my eyes look even smaller - and I think they are small to begin with! My self consciousness has never been so worried since I peed my pants at the park with I was 7.
Within these past few years, I think I also embraced the fact that I was overweight - obese to my doctor - I mean, I even got a big fat mermaid tattoo, and I love her! I know I had no motivation to loose weight, go on diets, get a gym membership, because its my personality to give it my all in the beginning, and then slack after the excitement wears off. I guess it also didn't help that I was working at sit down call center jobs. That was one of the worst things I could have done to my body job wise. Maybe it was the fact that I was surrounded by other fat people 'working a sit down job because we're too fat to stand' that didn't help my motivation to loose the weight as well (no offence).
I will admit that I miss the feeling after a good workout. It does feel amazing to just giver for a while, get a good sweat going, and release some of that pent up energy. I don't miss the creepy guy that used to always sit next to me and try and talk to me... freak. But in all seriousness, I know that all I needed was a good workout - why was it so hard to get motivated? I don't know, will I ever? Maybe I was just lazy, maybe I was just really good at telling myself that it didn't matter what I looked like. Either way, I'm passed that now, and there is a happy-ish ending to my story.
Within the last year, I am happy to announce that I have made some huge changes to my lifestyle - whether it was consciously or not - including exercise, a happy lifestyle, and better eating habits. Currently, I walk to and from work every day - sometimes twice a day if i'm working a split shift. This is actually an uphill walk each way, because I have to walk down and then up a hill to get to work, and home. When I first started walking to work, I had the wind knocked out of me by the time I got to work. My feet, ankles, knees, and chest would kill! Brutal! Now I can walk it with no problem, and no pain! I'm not even out of breath by the time I get to work anymore - AMAZING!
Living in a small town, working a simple job, living with an amazing person, and doing some real life editing to keep stress out of my life has also played a huge role in keeping my moral up. I don't binge eat, and I feel great about life. Also, I made a realistic goal for myself at the beginning of the year to loose 20lbs. I weighed 220lbs then, and now I weigh 206lbs! I can see such a big difference in my body, and it feels great - especially now that I have no more pains! I can actually lay on my back without going into paralyzing pain! And yes - I have started to get my period again, and naturally as well!
Eating is a whole new story as well, I get full very easily, and don't actually eat as much as I did at the start of the year, and I prefer to eat something healthier. Don't get me wrong - I still love sweets, but I find it has to be in moderation. I can have a bite of a chocolate bar, and then I'll put it away for later. WHO AM I!? Hahaha! I never would imagine myself talking this way even 6 months ago! So, I guess I should wrap up now, I'm sure you all have lives to get back to... All in all, I am so proud of myself for loosing these 14 pounds naturally, healthily, and I cant wait for the other 6 to go! I think this goal of 20lbs a year is super realistic, and hopefully in the next 2 years, I can get back down to 160lbs again! Thanks for reading - if you've read this far! I'll keep you updated now that you all know about my story!
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